Just the other day I wrote a piece entitled, “I am a failure,” and the response that I received was incredibly positive and supportive. Some commented on Facebook, and some personally messaged me with appreciative and loving words. Such kindness and love shown often makes me feel awkward, if not a bit uneasy, because it’s a beautiful witness to vulnerability. When I posted the writing, I was not expecting the response that I got, mainly because what I wrote was not intended to be a virtue signal of sorts, revealing to everyone how broken I am, or a cry for help or attention. Instead, it was intended as a contrast to all the things that mark me as a success, such as having a Ph.D. Often, we can use our success as a shield against our vulnerabilities and weaknesses, only showing our good side. Yet we can also use failure to garner attention and not take responsibility for our lives. The latter was not my intention; however, I could certainly see how someone could read what I wrote as being just that.
That said, I was deeply grateful for the feedback that I received because, but for a few moments in the following hours and days, I was able to take a break from my negativity bias. I find that it is so easy to get wrapped up in what’s wrong with the world, what’s wrong with others, and even what’s wrong with myself. The result is that goodness becomes a faint light in a world of darkness or a small whisper in a place full of loud people. Yet the responses I received brought me back to that light and that goodness in those moments, which was a great blessing.
I have never been much of a crier, as my wife Becca can attest. Up until this past year, she has only seen me cry once or twice. Yet over the past year, that has begun to change. I have cried far more in the last year than I have in the last three decades. My tears have been brought on by heartache and frustration, but also by the wonderfully beautiful mundane moments of life, from Sadie’s cuteness to Becca’s loving support and encouragement.
Just yesterday, I was brought to tears as I sat watching Sadie play in the pool and recalled all of the loving and encouraging comments I received from various people. While crying, what came to mind were the words of Fyodor Dostoevsky that “the world will be saved by beauty.” I must confess that I primarily know of those words because of the great Dorothy Day, who was a fan of Dostoevsky’s writing. I have read The Brothers Karamazov and attempted to read The Idiot (where these words come from), but could not get through it.
In the modern world, we can be so easily distracted by many things that we do not stop to consider the beauty in our midst. It is my understanding that these words came to Dostoevsky in response to seeing Han’s Holbein’s painting “The Body of the Dead Christ in the Tomb” (see above/below). Paradoxically, I received those beautiful words of appreciation, love, and encouragement for sharing what might be considered ugly parts of myself. These resulted in me contemplating the love and grace that I have been shown both in spite of myself, but also because I am simply loved by others and by God. It was a beautiful contemplative moment. Indeed, the world will be saved by beauty!
Thank you.
A Foolish Way 